I don’t know who invented the front porch, but whoever did is a fucking genius. I spotted an old guy just straight posting up on one the other day and legit got pumped. Rocking chair, cold drink, taking in the soon-to-be sunset. Legit said, “fuck yeah” out loud. Girlfriend was confused. Then I was confused why she didn’t seem to understand why I thought the reaction was more than warranted.
Maybe I’m just a simple man, Skynyrd style, but you give me a two-bedroom house with a front porch in a small town... I’m good. Cancel all future possessions.
I live in LA, so when it comes to owning a house (god forbid a house with a front porch), I’m basically screwed. CBTM needs to 10x before Uncle Bobbo starts looking at some standalone properties. Which, you know, I’m ok with. I like my life. A couple extra bucks can’t hurt, but chasing the dollar isn’t ever going to be my #1 priority. That is, until I saw this guy on his front porch.
I need this. Lil’ bev, lil’ rock (rocking chair), lil’ sunset, lil’ waft of a cherry pie cooking in the kitchen, lil’ “How the boys look? State?, lil’ chat with the sheriff, lil’ open carry.
Need. Whatever it takes. Steal, cheat, con my way into a front porch. Squatter? Might be worth it. I’m telling you, the way the guy was posted up… not a care in the world. Sins, completely washed away. That’s the thing with front porches man, they don’t care who you are, where you came from, how you got there. Nah… front porches create vibes and you’re just the vessel.
I need this shit in my life. Front Porches. Could Be The Move.
The boys at work won’t stop with this small spoon Move. Gavin (Dr. Locks) sent this over a while ago and swears by it. He sent over a video of him munching down some Breyers with a sample spoon he swiped from some gelato shop.
I dig the Move. It brought my friend joy and any harmless Move that brings a human being that much joy should at least garner some level of respect. I went the opposite route and decided to troll him. Called it Chop. He defended it. Brought in someone else. Someone else backed it. I said I was messing around. He then continued to gas up the Move.
Couple months later, Someone Else, Zach (Glue Guy), sent over a picture of a little spoon sitting atop a lil’ Trader Joe’s French Vanilla. “Little spoon at home. CBTM.” Not sure if he was aware that Gavin incepted the Move into his brain, but either way, he was pumped.
Saw him the next day, “How bout that spoon Move!” I went with the same route as I did with Gavin and went full troll. He defended fiercely. Then he brought in Gavin for another opinion. Same song and dance.
“It feels like you’re eating more, but you’re not.” That was the main pro that was continuously brought up during the Move discussion. Kind of surprising really. Thought the boys would get scientific on me, “Less steel contact and more ice-cream!” Or maybe go the hubris route, “The small spoon makes you feel big and mighty!” Being overly performative is in right now, could try that out… “Looks classy as shit pulling out one of these bad boys.”
No bullshit, no bits, these guys went to great emotional lengths to defend this Move from a guy who was in complete troll mode and the best they could come up with was, “It feels like you’re eating more, but you’re not.” God I love that. I’m in.
- Bobby D
More writing on a new account I started: A1JonSnow - Instagram
CBTM Merch - Here